Maintaining a good marriage is one of the hardest challenges, with just over half of all marriages lasting a lifetime, and even fewer achieving lasting happiness. Many couples spend considerable time and money seeking ways to fix their failing marriages. Unfortunately, much of the advice they receive is ineffective because it focuses on changing the partner rather than oneself.
The root of the problem is what we call external control psychology. This mindset blames others or external factors for our unhappiness instead of taking responsibility for our own feelings and actions. In marriage, this often manifests in behaviors like criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing. These "Seven Deadly Habits" can slowly destroy any relationship.
- Criticizing
- Blaming
- Complaining
- Nagging
- Threatening
- Punishing
- Bribing or rewarding to control
The Power of Choice
To achieve a better marriage, couples must adopt choice theory. This approach teaches that we choose all our actions and feelings, including our misery. By changing how we live and interact with others, we can improve our relationships.
Replacing the "Seven Deadly Habits" with Positive Practices
- Criticizing ➜ Encouraging: Focus on what your partner does well and offer positive reinforcement.
- Blaming ➜ Taking Responsibility: Own your actions and feelings without shifting the blame.
- Complaining ➜ Expressing Gratitude: Highlight the good things in your relationship.
- Nagging ➜ Communicating Clearly: Share your needs and listen actively to your partner.
- Threatening ➜ Offering Support: Show that you are there for each other through tough times.
- Punishing ➜ Forgiving: Practice letting go of grudges and moving forward together.
- Bribing or Rewarding to Control ➜ Respecting Autonomy: Appreciate your partner’s individuality and freedom of choice.
Conclusion
External control psychology destroys marriages. Embracing choice theory offers a path to revive failing marriages and build stronger, happier relationships. By focusing on changing oneself and adopting choice theory, couples can foster healthier, more fulfilling marriages.
This content is borrowed from the book "Getting Together and Staying Together Solving the Mystery of Marriage" by William Glasser and Carleen Glasser.
Book: https://a.co/d/ieQJTxj